Lessons From the Heart

So this last week was one that required a lot of sorting through my priorities. But after lots of prayer, it's finally beginning to make sense now. And I've learned more than I ever thought possible in one week. So here's my list.

1. To live is to be responsible.

The thing is, I've been running from responsibility. Not to say that I can't be responsible - I am when I need or want to be. But being selectively responsible can be irresponsible, too. If you think about it, many of the choices we make can be broken down into what is a responsible choice, and what is an irresponsible choice. For instance, do I turn this light switch off and save money, or do I leave it on because I don't feel like turning it off? Do I do my job now even though I don't feel like it or do I shrug it off because I don't want the commitment? And we make so many of these in one day that it would make our head spin if we stopped to think about them.

But consider this for a moment. Take away all of those choices you've made, and imagine that you did not make a choice, which means you would not have done anything. What would happen? Well, for short term, you would become hungry and moody and depressed and feel utterly worthless. And then, eventually, you would die. Why? Because life is full of responsibilities. As babies we have very few responsibilities, most of which we don't have any control over. All we have to do is cry so our mother knows when to feed us and let our bodies do the rest of the work. And we are very good at those things instinctively. But as we grow older, choices become less instinctive, more complicated, and come with bigger consequences. And that's when fear and laziness take their hold in our gut and our limbs, limiting our potential and bringing us lower than we are capable of. For some, the act of continuing to live at all is a daunting task that towers above them like an unconquerable mountain.

And here it is: to live is to be responsible. It is the governing rule that no government can mandate, no state can regulate, and no person can enforce on another.  As no one forces a mother bird to feed her young chicks, who would not survive without her, it is likewise with responsibility. It is a choice that comes from within the heart.

Responsibility is also deeply tied in with the doctrine of Vocation. If we are fulfilling our vocations (this is plural because God has put us in many different positions in relation to others in our lives simultaneously), we are being responsible. If we are not, we are being irresponsible. To fulfill our vocations is to live our lives in love towards others to the glory of God. Not because we have to, but because we want to out of thanks for what God has done for us.

I believe that what it comes down to is this: to be responsible is to carry out your vocations in life - to live as God intended you to.

2. To be afraid of life can be selfish.

I've finally begun to notice that I've been holding myself back my whole life. I don't do what I want to because I am too afraid of not being able to be responsible or because I don't want to be let down. So instead, it's led me to stand back and watch opportunity after opportunity slip by, with nothing gained but a ghostly "what if?" You know, it really is true - what they say about it being better to do it and be disappointed than to never know. But holding back from things only protects yourself. It allows you to only worry about yourself. If you do that, how can you reach out? How can you help people who truly need it if you are too afraid to step out the door? Take a leap of faith and go do. Live, and by living and taking risks, help others to live as well.

3. Make the most of your time here for those who can't.

I think that sometimes, it's easy to forget that not everyone has the chance to live as long as we have. We think that we can put things off for tomorrow or leave things undone. Maybe we would rather just save ourselves the pain and not live at all. And I understand all of those desires very well.

And then I remembered them.

It's funny how much we can love people we've never met or even know the name or gender of. I know I do. It isn't any new story - miscarriages, abortions. They happen all the time, they say, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Mainly, I think of my own three siblings who were carried to the arms of their Savior before even leaving the womb due to miscarriage. Two of them were just a little older than me, and I wonder if I would have been close to them. I wonder what their names are, if they are boys or girls, or what they would have done with their lives if they had had the chance.

That's when the guilt hits me. The guilt of knowing that I wouldn't be alive without their deaths; the guilt of knowing how much I've screwed up my life again and again and again, and what stupid decisions and choices I've made. Would they have done better than me? Would they have been kinder to people, bolder, more successful, less lazy? A better sister or brother than me? A better daughter or son? And I can't help but wonder why on earth God would let me live at the expense of their lives. Because if I had the choice, I would have rather let them live.

God doesn't give any of us that choice. But he doesn't give it to us for a reason - a very specific reason. He chose each and every one of us to play a role in helping those around us. If by your life he could bring just one more person into his Kingdom, it makes your life worth it to him. You're so precious in his eyes -precious enough for him to suffer Hell and die for you. Think about the implications of that. He loves each person enough to weave every person's life into a beautiful pattern of encounters and relationships, each impacting each other in ways that we can't even begin to perceive. And that is something that we cannot see or imagine. All we can do is trust his plan for our own lives.

We have to make peace with the fact that God chose them to die sooner for a reason, and we need to remember that we are alive now, and we have a chance to make a difference in the lives of those around us. Jesus died for them, and for us, and for all people. How can we sit and feel sorry for ourselves when there is so much work to be done? By the faith given to me by the Holy Spirit, I want to strive to live for them, and for my Savior who gave up everything in order that I will live with him in heaven forever, regardless of the mistakes I've made and the sins I've committed.

So it's time to live. My siblings are happy in heaven now, and I cry tears of joy to think of the day when I will get to meet them for the first time. Come quickly, Lord Jesus! Amen.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit-- fruit that will last-- and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you." John 5:16, NIV

All the best,

-E

Carousels, Pretty Colors, and Wonderful Nonsense

Sometimes I think my head works like a carousel. It spins round and round, and yet gets absolutely nowhere. It's thoughts are full of pretty lights and colors as its many different animals glide up and down, all spinning into a swirl of nonsense. To some people, someone with a child-like, nonsensical outlook can be an absolute headache. But to anyone who looks carefully, I think it can be something very beautiful. I think it's not because it speaks about reality, but because it speaks to what reality cannot understand.

I guess what I'm getting at here is - maybe we put too much emphasis on things that make sense. To a certain extent, we do need a very strong dose of reality. The thing is, once you have a mature understanding of it, I think that it can be hard to see life in an innocent way anymore, and when that happens, we've lost something valuable - we've lost hope. If we can only let go of our fears and bitterness towards life, we might find that seeing life with the nonsensical eyes of a child can allow us to face it with a new strength. Because children, though they might make little or no sense, trust with a fierceness that no one can ever take away. Why? Because they aren't yet afraid of getting hurt, and that is a precious gift. And all of us were able to do it once. I feel we are able to do it again if we only set aside our fear of being hurt and learn to trust, despite knowing that it will hurt. Yes, life is pain, but without pain there could not be life. It is a teacher - a harsh one, but it can be a loving one if we let it.

2 Corinthians 12:9 - "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather boast in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (NKJ)

So even though the seemingly-foolish unquestioning faith of a child may seem as ridiculous to an adult as a carousel, it's after you stand back and look at it that you realize the true beauty of it's silliness.

All the best,

-E